We’re Going Paleo.

Let’s face it- America (and every other country that can afford it) is obese. If not obese, then I think we can come to a comprise and say chubby.

It’s gotten bad. On NYC subways, more than half of the people in the car are overweight. New Yorkers walk EVERY WHERE. What and how much are these people eating to get to be so big in a place where your main mode of transportation is your feet?

Not only that, but TV is filled to the brim with weight-loss shows…

And shows that can take us into the lives of the obese….


Half Ton Mum


Half Ton Son


And Maury’s “Fat Baby” Themed Episodes where I weight about the same as a 3 year old.

And now our regular old sitcoms have started to have main characters who are obese because it’s “normal” and “ok”.

Now, I’m not saying that overweight people should be chased out into the streets by an angry mob and be tried as witches, I’m just saying that maybe we don’t say it’s all right for everyone to be twice the size of an average person.

I originally became enraged with everyone saying being fat was “ok” when I watched a particular documentary. There’s a group of fat women advocates that say they are healthier than skinny people. Not so fast… er, well, not fast… but… — Anyway, I could see how some of these morbidly obese people could be equally unhealthy compared with an anorexic or bulimic, but they are by no means “healthier” than those people. Not only that, but not all “skinny” people are anorexic.

Being overweight comes with a host of diseases. You are more susceptible to heart attacks, cancer, diabetes, and just stopping breathing one day. Being fat will kill you just as fast as big Tabacco will. That Oreo that you’re putting in your mouth is pretty damn close to heroine. One day you’ll overdose.

I became even more enraged when the head of their group was talking about their newest rally for the way they are mistreated at their gyno’s office. They think it’s unfair that they can’t fit in the chair. — My blood began to boil as I said aloud “Bitch, those chairs are people sized. It’s not their fault you’re no longer the size of people.”

I digress.

Now, I’m a small person, but I am by no means a fit person. Being 5 feet tall I am blessed with a smaller stature, but I am most definitely skinny fat. I have the upper body strength of a small child and the muscle ton of jello, but I appear slender (with clothes on).

So, with the apocalypse coming in December, I decided to try something that would help me survive. Something that could get me healthy and in shape while getting in touch with my ancestors and their eating in Hunter/Gatherer mode.

I’d heard Paleo mentioned a few times and have watched every documentary about caveman life and the human evolution that Netflix Instant has to offer- So naturally, I became curious.

I acquired a copy of Robb Wolf’s book The Paleo Solution and tore through it. He was witty, charming, funny, and willing to accept the fact that his readers were probably going to drink and recommended tequila and lime juice. I could swing this.

So What is Paleo?

As said by NerdFitness:

The Paleo Diet is an effort to eat like we used to back in the day…WAY back in the day.  If a caveman couldn’t eat it, neither can you.”

Because of a gluten intolerance, I already don’t eat most grains, so there’s really only a few things I have to cut out of my diet to go paleo. There’s dairy (which might kill me), corn, beans, peanuts, and basically all other grain based carbohydrates.

I’m going to work out, follow the 30 day meal plan, and see what happens. Supposedly you lose fat, gain muscle, and feel the best you’ve ever felt in your life. Worse comes to worst, it will teach me how to think like a scavenger which will be helpful when the zombies arrive.

So 3rd Goal For August: Do the Paleo 30 Day meal plan.

Goodbye, Ice Cream, cheese, and Tu-Lu’s Gluten-Free Bakery. I’ll see you in September.

August Goal #3: Prove you do actually have will power by following the Paleo Diet for 30 Days.

I Joined a Creative Writing Group.

I guess Goal For August #2 is met. I didn’t even know this was one of my goals, but apparently it is.

One of the girls from work invited me to her sunday night writing group. They continuously apologized that there were only four of them and that half of them were sick, but they were a lot of fun. There were two artists (comic book focused), a musician whose facial hair looked like the V for Vendetta mask, and a semi-secret spy (this is only half true- It’s like the time they told me my appendix was taken out laparoscopically and I tell everyone a robot did it).

Luckily for me, no one did the homework assignment (the prompt was “The People That Love You Will Gather In Rooms“) so I fit right in. I learned a new word (Squish-mitten, AKA vagina) and we did some creative exercises. It really got my creative juices flowing.

We went out for dinner after and suddenly I realized I was the 5th wheel. I even sat on the side of the table. Luckily, I can make any situation about me and did not feel left out.

I will go again, if they want me, and will make it my new new August Goal #2: To not get kicked out of my creative writing group for 4 weeks.

Tune in next week for our exciting continuation of…

“I joined a creative writing group.”

I leave you with what I came up with from our writing exercises.

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Exercise: Haikus

Prompt: Tornados 

Tangent: I was asked to pick a prompt. I came up with this because I saw the trailer for “Metal Tornado” earlier. It stars Lou Diamond Phillips and it looks so bad that it will be too good. Here’s the trailer.

What I Wrote:

Would a tornado
Be able to be controlled
To help fight zombies?

Hey, Bill Paxton fans
Remember the film “Twister”?
That was a good one.

“Aim for the soft spot”
Isn’t very much help, now.
It’s a tornado.

Chuck Norris shows fear
When looking in a mirror
And a tornado.

A soda bottle
Some water, an afternoon.
Homemade tornadoes.

The vast, dry desert.
Critters hide from the howls of
Tornado People.

Pull out the lawn chairs.
Grab your mullets, baby, and beer.
It’s tornado time.

————————————————————————————————–

Exercise: Haikus

Prompt: Trump

Tangent: Almost immediately I thought of the dream I had a year ago where Donald Trump’s head was on the Sphinx’s body. He was crushing all of the buildings in New York City that he didn’t own. I turned to whoever my subconscious had cast as my side kick and yelled, “We should go to my apartment!” “Why?”, they replied over the sound of concrete falling to the ground. “Because nobody wants to go to Brooklyn!”

What I Wrote:

Trump For President
Could be a different timeline
For current Sliders.

Wait, did he say “trump”?
Perhaps he said “chump” or “trunk”.
I should listen more.

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Exercise: Write a sentence no one has ever said before.

Tangent: At some point, I went on a doctor kick.

What I Wrote:

Eyebrows- 10 cents a piece, 15 for a set. Get your eyebrows here!

Ingredient #1: Spam
Ingredient #2: Bathroom tile

James Cameron does the best Bill Paxton impression.

Cholera, smolera; you’ll be fine.

Well, if you’re right I’ll eat my diaphragm.

Well, Doctor, yesterday everything was just fine… but this morning I woke up and my squish-mitten felt positively odd.

Well, Jenny, we’ve figured out what’s wrong with your face… You’ve got a terrible case of appendicitis.

Is there a data processor in the house? This woman needs medical attention. I SAID “Is there a data processor in the house!”

Hey, pickles are the reason your uncle is in jail!

Felicia, I dare say you’re showing a bit too much left ventricle… don’t you think?

August Goal #2: Go to the next four meetings of the creative writing group.

I Bought Myself a Man.

His name is Einstein.

Since I was young, I’ve had an odd fascination with stop-motion. Now it’s time to try it out.

I gave six weeks notice (yeah, I’m good like that) at my coffee shop job 4 weeks ago. My impending unemployment hangs over my head. This will be my first time having to work constantly since I was fifteen. This means, I need some goals for August.

I’m not worried about work or money (thanks to student loans and the fact that people love to hire me), but it will absolutely kill me if I am not productive.

So this brings us to my new friendship with Einstein. Though our relationship may be frustrating at times, we will work through it.

Before I went on vacation to Indiana (because it’s cheap and a break from NYC where I can say “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t get cellphone reception” and have people believe it) I played around with Einstein a little. We came up with this.

It’s not much, but it’s a start. I’m all over the place with shots. I used my iPhone. Most of the shots are different instagram filters… but, I really did get a taste for how involved it is to get Einstein to move around.

It’s intense. Einstein wasn’t even doing any continuous moving and it took half an hour just to get these pictures together. I have a lot in store for me, but I will make at least one short (probably very short) stop motion with Einstein before this summer is over.

August Goal Number 1: Make Einstein a star.

I Think I Might Be Racist…

Well, I guess disliking people from New England isn’t actually being racist. But what can you call that without sounding silly?

Sectionist? Anyway, this is what happened.

Backstory: I’m working on writing a webseries.

I started doing some free writing. My characters are just at the point where I’m getting lines written down for them. Mostly one liners, but they have actual voices now. My characters are almost real, which means I’m almost ready to actually write something. Soon I will be writing a webseries instead of working on writing a webseries. I’ll have actual, tangible proof that I am doing something, that I’m working towards my goal of having at least Lena Dunham’s career.

Now, this goal may seem a little large to you, but that’s a mid-level goal. The CEO of goals is being Meryl Streep. Below that being Angelina Jolie without all the kids and picking George Clooney instead of Brad Pitt.

Below that is having George Clooney’s career. (It’s so far down the list because instead of being a “playboy” I’d be a “spinster”.)

Below that is being Aubrey Plaza.

Shameless advertisement.

Let’s not get in to semantics about this.

So… I’m free writing and I think of some funny interaction for the main character’s boyfriend and roommate to have. I write it down. I wonder what I want the tone to be. Then, off on some tangent I write:

“Is the BF too much of a condescending asshole to NOT be from New England?”

I had to stop for a second. Wtf was that? Why am I so hateful to New Englanders? Why do I think they’re all rich guys with Yatchs?

Oh, wait… is Connecticut a part of New England?

At least I’m probably not a racist.