My Summer Robert Rodriguezing It – June 10th

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June 10th, 2013

Today was my first time actually being a lab rat.

Let me start off with the fact that it was a psychological study and not one where the side effects included explosive diarrhea and death (preferably where the death would happen first because if I had explosive diarrhea in public, I would have no choice but to kill myself).

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I do have to quickly point out that the Ryan’s Steak House Story is the best public humiliation story about poop that I have ever read (a close second was in Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell). I have never NOT seen someone laugh out loud while reading it. Do yourself a favor and read it. And remember:

Pay It Forward

Pay It Forward

Anyway,

The research study wasn’t so bad. I walked in, sat down and was told

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but not in so many words.

It doesn’t matter much to me anyway. I don’t own anything, I barely have any money in my bank account (otherwise I obviously wouldn’t be there), plus it was at a school, so I probably didn’t need to worry.

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After that, they told me I would go into a nearby room and see a brief case with a wallet in it. I would steal the wallet and come back in.

“Cool,” I responded, as if this was a normal monday morning for me.

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I walked into the room thinking there would be some CSI shit going on…

csi_o_232625I carefully opened the case without moving anything, slipped the wallet into my bag, and closed only one of the clasps (the one that had been open when I came in. Then I went back into the room.

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“Do you have the wallet?”

3pybf9Of course I had the wallet.

I nodded and thought, perhaps, she might compliment me on my spy-like nimble-ness.

Spy-Cat-Lvl-80_c_99194She didn’t. She just handed me a piece of paper that said something to the effect of:

“Cool. You’ve stolen the wallet. Now you’re going to lie about it. P.S. You didn’t really steal a wallet and no one thinks you did.”

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Then she handed me another piece of paper that basically said:

“Ok. Now. Lying. Take a story about something you did today and just say you were doing that.”

3pcnb1Ohhhhhhhhh. That’s how you lie?

Unfortunately, I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to get to this thing and I hadn’t even gotten coffee yet, let alone done anything.

“Well,” I thought, “If I’m lying about not stealing about a wallet… I might as well lie about getting coffee, too.”

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So, I filled out the sheet that asked what my lie would be and whether or not I was nervous about lying about stealing the wallet (which of course I wasn’t, since all the papers kept telling me not to be because I didn’t really steal the wallet.)

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“You can sit for a minute and go over your story. Let me know when you’re ready to go in.”

“I’m ready now.”

Had she not seen Lie To Me*? Sure that show was fucking terrible, but I at least learned to never practice your story. It doesn’t sound like you’re telling the truth for the first time and you can’t tell your story backwards.

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I was sent to another room to sit and wait.

Were they taping me already?

Paranoid

Probably.

An incredibly unhappy psychology student (all dressed in blue, oddly enough) walked in and told me that I was under investigation for stealing a wallet. She asked me to count the tones while she asked me a series of questions that I would answer.

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Yeah. That’ll happen. Even if I wasn’t lying I probably couldn’t keep track of them.

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“The wallet was stolen earlier. Where were you?”

“I wasn’t here yet. I stopped to get coffee even though I was late. It was wrong, I know.” (Too much?)

“How many tones were there?”

“17? (Shit, no, 12).”

“This concludes the interrogation.”

goodbye

Back into the other room where I filled out yet another sheet.

Do you think you were believable?

Yes.

Were you nervous?

No. You told me not to be.

Do you think the interrogator believed you?

No, I don’t think she would have believed anyone.

Do you think others will believe you?

I dunno?

Did you say you didn’t steal the wallet?

No. No one asked.

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Overall, it took me about 35 minutes to make the $15 I got for being a lab rat.

Why had I even bothered doing Trashy Maury? This took up so much less time and they paid

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I like being a lab rat. I think I’ll do it again.

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